"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.”
"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.”
Where change actually happens.
Because change is more likely to occur relationally than intellectually, couple therapy offers an excellent opportunity to alter one’s life circumstances. Change often depends on our feeling accepted as we are. Acceptance, in turn, creates the safe environment necessary to meaningful change. By communicating acceptance to your partner you move toward offering unconditional love. Most of us want to feel that however messed up we may be, we are still worthwhile, valuable human beings, deserving of love and respect. We want to experience this feeling with our partner despite the fact that we may not feel it to be true within ourselves.
When you say to your partner that you will love and respect them only if they change, they are likely to push you away. They will have to stay the same in order to feel like they have control over their lives. They have no choice. They must continue struggling against your judgment in order to maintain a sense of personal integrity. Feeling accepted as we are is the foundation of feeling whole and happy. It gives us the freedom to choose to change, not because someone else demands it, but for our own growth and fulfillment.
When you say to your partner that you will love and respect them only if they change, they are likely to push you away. They will have to stay the same in order to feel like they have control over their lives. They have no choice. They must continue struggling against your judgment in order to maintain a sense of personal integrity. Feeling accepted as we are is the foundation of feeling whole and happy. It gives us the freedom to choose to change, not because someone else demands it, but for our own growth and fulfillment.
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Most couples gain their individuality at the expense of being related. On the other hand, they often gain a feeling of relatedness at the expense of their individuality. Holding the paradox of being separate and related at the same time guarantees intimacy and wholeness.
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What are the Goals of Couple Therapy? Perhaps the most important goal of couples therapy is to encourage two people to connect meaningfully without losing their independence–their sense of self–to accept each other fully while accepting themselves fully. In other words, the goal is to achieve separateness and relatedness at the same time.
Most couples gain their separateness or individuality at the expense of being related. On the other hand, they often gain a feeling of relatedness at the expense of their individuality. Trading one for the other almost guarantees a loss of intimacy and wholeness. In a successful relationship the paradox of being both separate and related exists comfortably without giving in to confusion, anger or fear. Couple therapy can be an essential tool in achieving and maintaining this important balance. . |
What Happens in Couple Therapy?Couple therapy offers a structured environment within which partners can develop a mutual understanding of their history including the patterns of behavior that hinder the development of a satisfying relationship. In addition, partners can explore what motivates them toward or away from emotional and/or physical intimacy. Each partner will also be encouraged to develop an understanding of his/her contribution to the difficulties the they are experiencing.
Problems Addressed
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