Because change is more likely to occur relationally than intellectually, couple therapy offers an excellent opportunity to alter one’s life circumstances. Change often depends on our feeling accepted as we are. Acceptance, in turn, creates the safe environment necessary to meaningful change.  By communicating acceptance to your partner you move toward offering unconditional love.  Most of us want to feel that however messed up we may be, we are still worthwhile, valuable human beings, deserving of love and respect. We want to experience this feeling with our partner despite the fact that we may not feel it to be true within ourselves.
​
When you say to your partner that you will love and respect them only if they change, they are likely to push you away.  They will have to stay the same in order to feel like they have control over their lives. They have no choice. They must continue struggling against your judgment in order to maintain a sense of personal integrity. Feeling accepted as we are is the foundation of feeling whole and happy.  It gives us the freedom to choose to change, not because someone else demands it, but for our own growth and fulfillment​.